My sheets look like a crime scene.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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