I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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