She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
