I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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