Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i now understand why vodka
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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