Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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