I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
