Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
