dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
