i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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