moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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