I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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