Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
