Where did you get a picture of my penis
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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