when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
