why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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