I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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