also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You left your phone here
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