Ambien. No doubt about it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
