I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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