I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
