I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
