I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
