when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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