the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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