Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
