I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
