You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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