On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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