Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
please come you make the beer taste better
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
