I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
