he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
