Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
