I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
