its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
