mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I would fuck him just for his dog
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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