Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
