he was CRYING into my vagina
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
