I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
