who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
