I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
