Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
