chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I want a musical about memes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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