Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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