I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
