I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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