She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
