My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
