girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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