My liver just broke up with me...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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