Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
