Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
