no, he came in my armpit
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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